The name game

This week’s sign that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are in full gallop:
A family in Mississippi gave birth to a boy over the weekend.
They named the kid ESPN.
It gets even better (or worse, depending on whether you think these folks are total whack jobs). According to the Associated Press article that ran in the Ledger-Enquirer this morning, the dad, Rusty Real of D’Iberville, Miss., worships former pro quarterback Joe Montana almost as much as he does SportsCenter.
So the boy will go through life known as ESPN Montana Real.
Apparently, there are at least at least three other lil’ ESPNs soiling their diapers around the country. A 2005 report about the 25th anniversary of ESPN found indirect offspring of the network in Pampa, Texas; Corpus Christi, Texas; and Michigan.
I suppose I should rant about the idiocy of naming a child after a cable channel, but it shouldn’t really surprise any of us given our society’s addiction to TV.
In the movie ‘‘Talladega Nights,’’ the sons of the NASCAR driver played by Will Farrell are named ‘‘Walker’’ and ‘‘Texas Ranger’’ as an homage to the crime-fighting, butt-whoopin' and roundhouse-kickin’ extravaganza starring Chuck Norris.
It’s only a matter of time before maternity wards are filled with bawling babies named CNN, NASCAR, Cold Pizza, Sopranos, Deal or No Deal or Bravo.
I'm just glad that Fox News Channel didn’t exist when I was born. Otherwise my late father, a staunch conservative, might have been moved to name me O’Reilly Factor or Fair and Balanced Johnson.
My wife and I haven’t made plans for children yet, but rest assured we have potential names covered.
American Idol if it’s a girl.
Pimp My Ride if it’s a boy.
Two and a Half Men if it’s a really, really big boy.