What should they do?

The Miami Dolphins took some of the mystery out of the NFL Draft by anointing mammoth Michigan offensive tackle Jake Long as their No. 1 pick and signing him to a five-year, $57.75 million contract.

I guess that means we can do without NFL commissioner Roger Goodell coming to the podium on Saturday and announcing that the Dolphins are ''on the clock.''

Before Miami's pre-emptive strike, I was convinced that Long represented the best option for the Atlanta Falcons if he remained available when it came time for them to pick at No. 3. I know a left tackle doesn't represent a dynamic promotional vehicle. People don't buy tickets to watch offensive linemen block, but the Falcons need a guy who can put defenders on their butts more than they do a first pick who can put butts in seats. Ticket-buyers want to watch a good product and it's obvious the Falcons need to follow new general manager Thomas Dimitroff's directive to build from the inside and out if at all possible.

With Long gone, the logical pick for the Falcons would be either LSU's Glenn Dorsey or USC's Sedrick Ellis. Having seen Dorsey in person several times over the last couple seasons, I'm enamored with his ability to beat double-teams and the relentlessness with which he plays. He's a load to handle in the middle.

Who would you choose with the third overall pick? The Falcons obviously need help at quarterback and cornerback, but are those positions enough of a priority to receive attention with the third overall pick.

While Boston College's Matt Ryan represents the best of a so-so quarterback class, keep in mind that he won't necessarily represent an immediate cure-all. If Atlanta was able to sign him before the season, there's still the likelihood that he would be limited to a backup role until he learns the offense. Plus, would you risk his health behind that offensive line?

Savage not sore about NFL experience


The scene former Jordan High School running back Dantrell Savage described to me the other day sounded comparable to the treatment afforded to subjects of alien abductions.

At February's NFL Combine in Indianapolis, Savage stood in a long line of league hopefuls wearing nothing but a number and exercise shorts. When his turn arrived, he went into a medical examination room so a series of doctors could take X-rays and MRIs and generally twist and contort every limb on his body in an effort to grade his overall health.

Savage, a tailback at Oklahoma State, got the repeat some of the same procedures with representatives of most of the league's teams.

"The thing I found out about me is that the more you sit there and think nothing is wrong with you, they'll figure out something is wrong with you,'' Savage, a projected third- to fifth-round draft pick, told me on the phone the other day. ''You'll find you're sore. There are 32 teams. They just pick at you and poke you and mess with the same different spots you've had X-rays on. You're going to become sore. They end up hurting you.''

Savage said it will all have been worth it if he gets drafted and lands a roster spot, however.

Read more about Savage in Thursday morning's Ledger-Enquirer.

Mock draft madness


This is a shameless plug for yet another wonderful thing we're doing at the Columbus Ledger-Enquirer.

We're holding a mock NFL Draft on Friday, the day before the league begins its real two-part event.

I can't take credit for brainstorming this thing. Our sports editor, Kevin Price, put this deal together, but he's looking for more participants. Here's how it works:

If you're the fan of a particular NFL team and want to act as its ''general manager'' for the mock draft, then shoot Kevin an e-mail at kprice@ledger-enquirer.com as soon as possible. All you'll need on Friday is access to a computer and the willingness to log on to our web site -- www.ledger-enquirer.com -- for a short period of time. The draft starts at 9 a.m. and continues with picks every 10 minutes.

If multiple folks want to draft for the same team, the Ledger-Enquirer will choose one lucky person at random.

Here are the teams that are still available:

Arizona Cardinals
Buffalo Bills
Carolina Panthers
Cincinnati Bengals
Denver Broncos
Houston Texans
Detroit Lions
Jacksonville Jaguars
Kansas City Chiefs
Miami Dolphins
Minnesota Vikings
New England Patriots
New Orleans Saints
New York Giants
New York Jets
Philadelphia Eagles
San Diego Chargers
San Francisco 49ers
Seattle Seahawks
Tampa Bay Bucs
Tennessee Titans
Washington Redskins

Forgotten again


No flowers, no cards, no phone calls. Not even so much as a fruit basket.

You're disappointing me again, people.

Today is National Columnists Day (seriously, look it up) and once again I'm left to wonder: Where is the love? I mean, my wife even failed to remember this special occasion. Then again, it's not as if Hallmark sells cards for National Columnists Day. If they did, I suppose they could offer them in the form of a letter to the editor.

There's still another 14 1/2-odd hours left in the day, offering all of you ample chance for redemption. Tributes and gifts are welcome, just as they have been for the last five years.

In case you're wondering, National Columnists Day was started in 1995 -- on the 50th anniversary of Ernie Pyle's death -- as the result of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists. According to the organization, "The anniversary of the April 18, 1945 death of the great Ernie Pyle is a time to reflect on the way newspaper columnists connect, educate, comfort, encourage, celebrate, outrage and occasionally even amuse readers and a time to express appreciation for them for their hard work."

I hope I have done some or all of those things for you in the last year, and I hope to continue it.

Mark your calendar so you don't forget the date next year. In the meantime, the best gift you can give this particular newspaper columnist is a moment of your time each morning.

Immelman holds on


AUGUSTA, Ga. — This wasn't a golf tournament. The Masters turned out to be a demolition derby.

Trevor Immelman dented a fender in the final round Sunday, but you should see the other guys.

This course was tough enough without the 25 mph wind gusts that made it impossible to command the ball on so many holes. Brandt Snedeker, Steve Flesch and Paul Casey, the only guys who really stood much of a chance when the day began barring a total implosion by Immelman, will need to visit the body shop after this one.

The carnage was unbelievable.

Immelman shot 3-over par on Sunday, his only round above 69 in the tournament, but still finished with a three-stroke victory at 68-68-69-75 -- 280. It's his first major and the city of Columbus can claim a piece of it.

Immelman's brother, Mark, the golf coach at Columbus State, and Mark's wife Tracy, were among the family members waiting out the scorer's tent on No. 18.

Imagine how all of this will play in Immelman's native South Africa.

The country will probably shut down and celebrate and probably even declare a Trevor Immelman Day.

He's the first golfer from the nation to win the Masters since Gary Player claimed his third in 1978. Oddly enough, Player said a couple years ago that Immelman possessed the game to win at Augusta and would eventually eclipse fellow countrymen Ernie Els and Retief Goosen.

Immelman's wake-up call for a championship actually came Saturday night.

His cell phone rang. It was Player, who was about to be heading back to South Africa, calling to tell Immelman to bring it home. Player has known Immelman since he was 5 years old. Players words were along these lines: There will be bad breaks, but I know you're going to win.

Turns out the 72-year-old knew what he was talking about.

‘‘It meant an awful lot,’’ Immelman said. ‘‘I played it to my whole family on speaker phone.’’

The divine Mr. Imm

AUGUSTA, Ga. -- Trevor Immelman is shots ahead of his closest pursuer with five holes to play, which is as much the product of the wacky conditions as it is his own steady play.

Immelman hasn't done anything especially spectacular today. He missed a 2-foot putt for birdie on No. 7 and struggled to control the ball with the wind sustaining 20 to 25 mph gusts. But this is why he should soon be wearing the Masters green jacket and celebrating his first major:

He came into this day leading the field in driving accuracy and in greens hit in regulation.

Coming in, Immelman ranked 202nd on the PGA Tour in putts per greens in regulation. There were only two golfers behind him -- David Lutterus and Steve Allan (not the similarly-named comedian). Immelman isn't known as a terror on the greens, but he could soon be a terror in green because of his work off the tee and from the fairway.

Ready for some drama?


AUGUSTA, Ga. — The flags are rippling here at Augusta National Golf Club, thanks to the 25 mph wind gusts ruffling the leaves and tousling the coiffs of so many spectators.

Might it also represent a wind of change for the Masters?

It could on a number of levels.

Tiger Woods, who will tee off 10 minutes from now, could make a breakthrough if he can catch up to Trevor Immelman and Brandt Snedeker. He's never won a major when trailing after 54 holes.

It would most definitely represent history for either Immelman or Snedeker, who were the PGA Tour Rookies of the Year in 2006 and 2007, respectively. Both are looking for their first major championship of any sort.

Who knows what will happen today?

Immelman and Snedeker won't be introduced at the No. 1 tee until 2:25 p.m. and there's a fair amount of separation between them and the golfers who have already started their rounds.

But it seems that, in spite of the weather, it will be possible to post a low score today. Ian Poulter has already birdied Nos. 1 and 2 to get to 4-under.

Moving day


AUGUSTA, Ga. — The weather conditions are certainly having an impact at Augusta National.

The greens, which were as fast as table tops on Thursday and Friday, have played more like shag carpet because of the heavy rain earlier this afternoon.

Several frontrunners have struggled to adjust to the pace of the course.

Trevor Immelman, who held the lead at 8-under coming in, has left a handful of putts short, including a short birdie opportunity on No. 2. He's given a stroke back and shares second with Paul Casey and Steve Flesch at 7-under. Immelman's playing partner, Brandt Snedeker, birdied No. 2 and has followed it with four consecutive pars to take the lead at 8-under.

A couple guys to keep an eye on at this point: Phil Mickelson, who got to 6-under before bogeying No. 6, and Casey, who has birdied three of his first eight holes.

What about Tiger Woods?

He's plugging along, not out of it by any means. He's 4-under for the tournament after a birdie on 13, but has let at least two other legitimate birdie opportunities fall by the wayside.

Rain, rain, go away ...


AUGUSTA, Ga. -- The folks who run the Masters are pretty powerful.

They have made their event one of the toughest tickets in sports. They can seemingly will the azaleas and dogwoods to bloom even when there are cold snaps. They can tell Chris Berman to stay home.

But they have yet to figure out a way to control the elements. Short of installing a retractable roof over Augusta National's lovely golf course, this will remain problematic.

Play has just resumed after a 40-minute delay brought on by heavy rain.

What does that mean to you, the TV viewer?

Your favorites, guys like Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson, will be teeing off much later than expected. They may not even be able to finish the third round today, depending on the whims of Mother Nature. About half of the golfers left in the field had teed off when the inclement weather rolled in. We'll see how it goes.

Not fading from view


AUGUSTA, Ga. — Right now, my face looks a lot like Trevor Immelman’s Masters scorecard.

Lots of red.

Just got back from a long tour of Augusta National, most of which was spent following Immelman and trying to find patches of shade whenever possible. Despite slathering my neck, face and scalp with No. 30 sunscreen, I look medium rare at this moment.

In some ways, I feel kinship with Immelman. Neither of us can be cooled off, it seems.

Immelman, whose brother Mark happens to be the golf coach at Columbus State University, continued his torrid play Friday and currently sits atop the leaderboard at 8-under par (68-68 -- 136). Brandt Snedeker is hanging tough one stroke behind, while Steve Flsesh (72-67 -- 139) made an impressive charge with a round that included an eagle on the par-5, No. 13.

Where’s Tiger Woods, you ask?

He remains even three holes into his round, but a lot can happen between now and the end of the day. Several players to watch, including Woods and first-round co-leader Justin Rose are early into their rounds, but it's shaping up to be a interesting day. Phil Mickelson has made a bit of a charge, gaining three strokes since yesterday. Right now, it looks as if the cut will be 3-over par.

Talk of a Tiger Slam has died down considerably since the beginning of the week, but it's too early to count him out yet. If he's within six strokes of the lead by the end of the day, I wouldn't give up on him.

At the same time, Immelman has emerged as the most compelling story of the tournament (you'll read more about him in Saturday's Ledger-Enquirer). Keep in mind that this guy was in a hospital bed in his native South Africa last December, doped up on morphine, and waiting to find out if a tumor discovered in his chest was cancerous. Thankfully, it proved to be benign, but it took him several weeks to recover well enough to play a full round of golf.

Four months later, this guy, an 80-1 shot according to the oddsmakers for Bodog, happens to be leading the Masters.

His wife, Carminita, had it right when she shared her thoughts about Friday's round with me behind the 18th green.

‘‘This is a special place,’’ she said.

Local knowledge


AUGUSTA, Ga. — Your Masters leaderboard after one round:

Justin Rose and Trevor Immelman at 4-under par 68.

Some guys named Brian Batemen and Brandt Snedeker sharing second place with Lee Westwood at 3-under.

A log jam of Ian Poulter, Robert Karlsson, Zach Johnson, Stephen Ames and Jim Furyk at 2-under.

Wait a second.

Rose, Immelman and Poulter fighting it out at Augusta National?

Didn't they just do that, oh, about two weeks ago?

If you're looking for a reason why Rose, Immelman and Poulter shot such solid rounds Thursday, you can trace it back to a trip they planned in March. The three, who each live a lob wedge away from each other behind the gates of Orlando’s Lake Nona golfing enclave, were facing off against Tiger Woods and other pros from the hoitier, toitier Isleworth neighborhood in the Tavistock Cup when one of them suggested a road trip to Augusta.

The trio flew to Augusta two weeks ago, bunked down at a Marriott and ate at the T-Bonz steak house located off Washington Road a short hop from the course. They also devoured every possible nook and cranny of the Augusta National course.

‘‘What it did was took the pressure off the practice days this week,’’ Rose said.

And, by all appearances, it gave them a significant advantage over some of their competitors.

Immelman, whose brother Mark is the golf coach at Columbus State, said the two rounds shared with Poulter and Rose were spirited and closely contested. Rumor has it that some wagers were made.

‘‘We just had a fantastic time,’’ he said. ‘‘Kind of like three kids going to their favorite golf course. It was an awesome couple of days.’’

It could make for an especially awesome weekend if the three neighbors continue to jostle for position through the final round. It seems there’s some unfinished business dating back to the boys' getaway they enjoyed.

‘‘Justin actually won,’’ Immelman said. ‘‘I think I still owe him some money.’’

Early Masters impressions


AUGUSTA, Ga. -- As I walked past the Augusta National Clubhouse around 11:30 this morning, the throngs parted for a group of white-shirted security guards escorting a player to the putting green.

Ladies and gentlemen, Tiger Woods.

Woods walked past me, no more than five feet away, looking steely-eyed and ridiculously fit. The guy must live in a gym. As he took his place on the putting green for some practice just before his opening round, the crowd, standing as many as five deep in some places, applauded lustily.

This guy can get a standing ovation just for smiling.

My three-hour morning-to-afternoon walk around the course was lovely. It's warm, but a gentle breeze has been kind enough to tickle the tall pines, the wisteria, the dogwood and the azaleas every so often.

I followed Heath Slocum for most of his round because I'm thinking of writing something about the Milton Mafia as I call them. Heath Slocum, Boo Weekley and Bubba Watson, all graduates of Milton High School in the Florida Panhandle, all in the Masters field.

Anyway, Slocum was 3-under after 8, but bogeyed 9 and 18. He's in second now at 1-under 71. He happened to have Fuzzy Zoeller in his threesome, which is interesting since Zoeller happens to be the only Masters champion to win a green jacket in his first visit to Augusta.

"Honestly, it's such a long way, so far ahead of me, so far ahead that it doesn't even pop into my head, really,'' Slocum told us after his round.

It's wise not to fantasize too much here, because far too many golfers have unraveled after solid starts.

Caught up with Larry Mize some during his round and the Columbus resident was having a tough day. He shot 4-over on the front and gave up another stroke at 16 with two holes to play. Even so, the guy gets a warm ovation at every tee box and green. Being a Masters champion ensures perpetual respect.

That's all for now. Ian Poulter just got to the interview room. He's 2-under 70, but I want to see what he's wearing. The guy usually wears purple pants, but this year he's rocking the lime green.

Masters gets under way


AUGUSTA, Ga. — Where are we, the London Open?

When the Augusta National Golf Club gates opened this morning, the course was engulfed in the sort of pea soup fog that would have provided the perfect backdrop for a Sherlock Holmes mystery.

Tournament officials delayed the start for a little more than an hour, pushing it back from 7:50 a.m. to 9.

Four-time Masters champion Arnold Palmer hit the ceremonial first tee shot and keep is in the fairway.

There are only about four trios that have gotten under way so far. Columbus' Larry Mize is 1-over after the first hole, while Ben Curtis holds the top spot at the moment, even through four holes.

Of course, it's early.

Most of the heavy hitters won't tee off for at least another hour or two. Zach Johnson will start around 11:23, while Tiger Woods will follow two groups after his.

Who will I be following today?

Obviously I'll check in on Woods, but there's ample time for more detailed Tiger tracking. It's not as if he's going to miss the cut or anything. Johnson will be compelling as well, and not just because we share the same surname. The whole I'm Zach Johnson, regular guy from Iowa, who just happens to be a defending Masters champion thing makes him most interesting.

I'll also be watching Mize since he's local, as well as amateur Michael Thompson, a University of Alabama golfer, Augusta favorites Charles Howell III (Charlie Triple Sticks, we call him) and Vaughn Taylor, as well as those golfers who would fit in well with Larry the Cable Guy. In other words, I'll have keen interest in the efforts of Bubba Watson and former Abraham Baldwin Agricultural College golfer Boo Weekley, because it's cool that guys named Bubba and Boo can strip some of the pretense from what can be a very uptight sport.

You know he's serious


AUGUSTA, Ga. — The beauty of the Par-3 Tournament, the Wednesday appetizer before the Masters main course arrives at the table Thursday, is incalculable.

Situate nine of the most lush, most vibrantly green par-3 golf holes on a compact tract of real estate. Surround with ponds and creeks, pink azaleas and bleach-white dogwood. Allow the masses to watch from the grassy knoll that rises above it all, giving it a coliseum feel.

Next, project some noise. Pump up the volume and let the sounds rattle off the tree trunks and waft through the branches.

It was loud on Wednesday because fans still appreciate guys like Arnold Palmer and Gary Player.

It would have been louder if Tiger Woods had played, but he opted out.

‘‘It's changed over the years,’’ Woods said during his Tuesday interview session. ‘‘Used to be, I thought it as a lot of fun to play, but now it is a little distracting to get ready and be ready for the tournament.’’

Nice try, but you're not fooling anyone.

Obviously, Woods is attempting to avoid the dreaded Par-3 Curse.

No winner of the Par-3 event has turned around and won the Masters in the same week.

If the current Par-3 leaderboard holds up (there are still golfers on the course), we can mark out Rory Sabbatini as a Guy Who Could Win the Masters. He's leading at 5-under.

But you probably didn't pick him to win anyway, did you?

Evolution at Augusta


AUGUSTA, Ga. -- The green jacketed members of Augusta National Golf Club are widely perceived as the last members of the Flat Earth Society, stubborn dinosaurs who will ensure that it remains 1955 behind the gates.

It's not as if this is entirely a bad thing.

Unlike most major sporting events, you can feed a family of four without taking out a second mortgage. The cost of the delicious egg salad and pimento cheese sandwiches served hermetically sealed in Masters green wrappers has held firm at pre-Cold War prices.

As much as some club members may cling to the past with a white-knuckle grip akin to the Ranger chokehold, it's not entirely representative of the breed. In years past, the pre-tournament conversation often covered practices by the club that are deemed exclusionary. This year, chairman Billy Payne is being hailed as a visionary.

For the first time ever, the Par-3 Tournament will be televised. And ESPN cameras will be on the course to provide live coverage rather than simply provided the highlights that served as the backdrop for Stuart Scott’s Boo-Yeahs. There have been changes to the tournament's Web site, Masters.org, including streaming video and blogs.

Children 8-16 will also get in free from Thursday-Sunday, provided they are escorted by an adult with a tournament badge because, as Payne said, Augusta National wants to ''expose the game to a more youthful audience to communicate to them that golf is fun, it is family.''

So, for this week, females ages 8-16 will get to tread upon the hallowed grounds of Augusta National. However, they won't be able to join as adults for the forseeable future.

‘‘I don't talk about membership issues,’’ Payne said Wednesday morning, during his state of the tournament address. "That's reserved for the private deliberations of the members. Other than that, I'm not going to talk about it.''

In other words, Augusta National has embraced the technology of the 21st Century but not the sociology.

Packing up and heading out


I've got my umbrella, a windbreaker, a rain suit, sunscreen and comfortable walking shoes.

In other words, everything I need to deal with the varying weather that normally greets folks at Augusta National during Masters week.

I'm hitting the road and heading for Augusta in a couple hours. Try not to hate me too much.

You'll start seeing my Masters dispatches in the blogosphere on Wednesday and in the Thursday morning Ledger-Enquirer. I'm teaming up with two writers from the Macon Telegraph, Daniel Shirley and Jonathan Heeter, to provide comprehensive coverage of the tournament. We'll obviously be tracking folks like Tiger and Phil Mickelson, as well as last year's winner, Zach Johnson, whose most pronounced success before had come in the form of those giant cardboard checks they hand out on the Hooter's Tour. We'll also be digging up interesting stuff on the amateurs, the darkhorses, the changes to the course and to the way it's being covered (ESPN's in the house for the par-3 tournament, but Chris Berman isn't. For that, we should be thankful).

So check back every so often to see what's cracking on the most perfect golf course ever conceived.

Rock, chalk, Jayhawk

I'm not sure what was the most impressive component of Kansas' NCAA tournament run, its merciless flogging of North Carolina or its back-from-the-dead resurrection against Memphis.

The Tigers were less than three minutes away from cutting down the nets Monday night in San Antonio, but missed free throws and big baskets like the one Kansas guard Mario Chalmers made at the end of regulation switched Memphis' mood from celebration to devastation.

Your final: Kansas 75, Memphis 68.

Absolutely mind-boggling.

Twenty years ago, Danny Manning helped Kansas hoist a national championship trophy.

Danny and the Miracles, they called them. Manning happens to be a Jayhawk assistant coach now.

Guess they'll have to step aside so Mario and the Miracles can borrow the spotlight now.

There's something lodged in their throats


That wretching noise you hear is Memphis coughing up a national championship.

Mario Chalmer's last-second 3-pointer at the end of regulation flipped the script as the kids say.

With 2:24 to go in overtime, it's Kansas 69-65.

The Jayhawks have outscored Memphis 18-5 since the 4:29 mark of the first half and are having their way with those nice screen and lob plays to the low post that decimated North Carolina. It helps that Memphis' best rebounder and shot blocker, Joey Dorsey, fouled out in regulation.

Unreal

My concerns about Memphis free throw shooting (I picked them to get bounced in the Sweet 16 because of its sub-60 percent rate in the regular season) weren't unfounded. Even though the Tigers were better than 70 percent as a team in the NCAA tournament, their old habits resurfaced at the wrong time.

Chris Douglas-Roberts just went clank, clank with his team up 62-60 with 10.8 seconds left, but teammate Robert Dozier bailed him out with an offensive rebound.

Now it's up to Derrick Rose to extend the lead with a pair of free throws after Kansas' grab-and-foul.

The first one ... boink!

The second one ... Swish.

63-60.

Check that.

Mario Chalmers for three just before the buzzer and it drops.

63-all.

We're going to overtime, and that's OK with me. Drama like this deserved to be milked for maximum effect.

Take a good, long look


Memphis freshman point guard Derrick Rose is putting together a nice farewell performance.

A twisting, fallaway 19-foot bank shot over two defenders with the shot clock at 0:01? A field goal or an assist on seven consecutive possessions?

Yeah, he's ready for the NBA.

Assuming Memphis protects the 62-56 lead it has with 1:39 to go, that should be Rose's next stop.

It's getting interesting


Since my NCAA national championship game pairing of UCLA and North Carolina was ground up into mulch Saturday, I can watch the Memphis-Kansas game as a dispassionate observer.

It's obvious to me now after watching the first half why these two teams made it this far. The assortment of quick, long-limbed athletes on the court is beyond impressive.

I mentioned on a radio show earlier Monday that I liked Memphis to win with ease because of players like Derrick Rose and Chris Douglas-Roberts, who can beat defenders off the dribble and hit mid-range shots or put the defense in foul-me-or-give-up-the-layup situations.

Even after seeing the Tigers go five minutes without a field goal during the first half, I'm still feeling good about them. They just pulled ahead 38-37 a moment ago because Rose has started to attack the basket, which he didn't do in the first half. When Rose gets into the lane, it leads to easy dunks by guys like Joey Dorsey and Robert Dozier.

So far, Kansas has done a pretty nice job of keeping Rose in front of them and daring him to take perimeter shots. We'll see what happens. Right now, Douglas-Roberts looks like the best player on the court.

Crank That Misogyny


Does anybody else find it mildly hilarious that the hip-hop song ''Crank That'' by Soulja Boy has spread like a virus from stadium to stadium in the last year or so?

It's inevitable that, no matter the sporting event, the song will be played at some point. People hear the dink ... dink ... dink of the steel drums at the beginning, then brace themselves for the crash of the bass.

Before too long, everybody in the stands will be cranking their Soulja Boy even most have nary a clue as to what it means to crank such a thing. Even wholesome Mark Richt bobbed his head to the beat on the sideline while Georgia beat down Auburn last season.

At the Columbus Cottonmouths playoff game Sunday afternoon, the song came over the Civic Center speakers some time in the third period. Little kids were bouncing, grandmas were crunking, middle-aged white guys were spreading their arms like Superman and I started wondering: Do people not understand the lyrics to this thing?

You probably won't be hearing The Wiggles use any of the terminology any time soon:

"Soulja Boy off in this 'ho/Watch me crank it/Watch me roll/Watch me crank dat Soulja Boy/Then Superman dat 'ho ..."

For the uninitiated, ''ho'' is a less than complimentary term for women. And to Superman one would be a particularly dastardly act, according to urbandictionary.com. I won't print the definition here because I like having a job, so look it up yourself if your curious. And, while you're checking on that, you might want to look up the full lyric sheet to the song. Once you read them, you'll probably be amazed that this thing has enjoyed such prominent play as stadium Jock Rock.

It's not as if I'm anti-rap by any means. I still have my Public Enemy and A Tribe Called Qwest CDs from my high school and college days. I'm merely expressing wonderment that people don't seem to actually listen to music and digest the meaning of it. Soulja Boy puts out some great music for the club, but I'm not sure it's the right soundtrack for 8-year-old kids to bounce to at the ballpark.

I mean, it's not like you can go to a Braves game and hear Snoop or Dre rapping about pulling a gat and bustin' a cap in some punk a--.

Anyone surprised by this?


At least Atlanta Braves left-hander Mike Hampton displayed some creative flair in extending his absence from the starting rotation.

After missing two seasons while recovering from two elbow surgeries and seemingly being one hard sneeze away from breaking a rib since then, Hampton went on the disabled list after being scratched from Thursday night's scheduled start against the Pittsburgh Pirates. Hampton strained a pectoral muscle during bullpen warmups and was replaced by Jeff Bennett.

What's next for this guy?

Mercury poisoning? Gangrene? Whooping cough? Shingles?

Hampton has been that star-crossed, that unlucky, that ... susceptible to misfortune.

When news of his most recent injury came across the Associated Press wire Thursday night, I happened to be in the office talking to a couple co-workers. My initial reaction: ''How can he be so brittle. Is this guy made out of Dresden china or something?''

To which my esteemed colleague David Ching responded: ''No, but he was made in China.''

An overdue reprieve


Think of what it must have been like to live in Steve Bartman's world these last five years.

There were rumors he'd undergone plastic surgery and moved to England in an effort to escape one moment of ignominy, when jumped out of his Wrigley Field box seat and reached over the railing a foul ball with his beloved Chicago Cubs a mere five outs away from their first World Series trip since 1945.

Chicago left fielder Moises Alou was rushing over to make a play, but couldn't make the catch because the ball bounced off Bartman's outstretched hand.

You know what happened next.

Chicago's 3-0 lead lost its shape faster than Donald Trump's hair in a wind tunnel.

The Florida Marlins staged an impossible rally for eight runs, claiming Game 6 and effectively sticking another pin in the voodoo doll that has cursed the Cubs for all of these years. They went on to clinch the NLCS, depriving the Cubs of a joyful moment and making Bartman the enemy of an entire city.

Bartman left Wrigley under the protection of security guards after Game 6 as fans hurled insults and cups at him.

It didn't get any better.

The governor of Illinois suggested Bartman join the federal witness protection program. Letterman and Leno created laughter at his expense. His Game 6 outfit -- blue Cubs cap, glasses and headphones -- became a Halloween costume. Florida Gov. Jeb Bush went so far as to offer him asylum in the Sunshine State.

Bartman went underground like Punxatawny Phil, retreating from view, declining interviews, getting an unlisted phone number and attempting to return to a Regular Guy existence.

All because he reached for a foul ball in his vicinity, an impulse few fans are able to resist. He can't be blamed for the collapse that followed because he wasn't pitching to the Marlins yet, to see the editorial cartoons and Internet spoofs that followed, it was Bartman and not Mrs. O'Leary's cow who kicked over the lamp that started the Great Chicago Fire.

Here's the truly sad part.

He wouldn't have spent five years looking over his shoulder, worried that maniacal Cubs fans would recognize him and perhaps stone him to death, if Alou had reacted to the foul ball fiasco the way he did earlier this week.

"You know what the funny thing is?'' Alou told Associated Press sports columnist Jim Litke. "I wouldn't have caught it, anyway.''

Alou expressed hope that Bartman would be able to move on without hassle.

"Hopefully, he won't have to regret it for the rest of his life,'' Alou told the AP.

Um, yeah, we can only hope.

Think of the penalty he's paid these last five years.

He's been forced to live in the shadows, as if he crossed the Mafia, all because of a foul ball that Alou probably wouldn't have caught.

Where were Alou's words of comfort oh, I don't know, five years ago?

Now that Alou has removed Bartman from the Bunsen burner of Chicago's hatred, perhaps the regular guy in the Cubs cap and headphones can return to Wrigley and not fear for his safety. Maybe the Cubs could even welcome him as a special guest.

That might actually make up for the last five years.

Armed and dangerous


Bill Moloney looks and sounds like the quintessential Baseball Man, the sort of no-nonsense field presence who lacks anything resembling pretense.

Chances are you haven't heard of him, but he might have one of the most important jobs in the Tampa Bay Rays minor league system. Heading into his second season as the Columbus Catfish's pitching coach, Moloney realizes the work he does at Golden Park this season could shape the future success of the Rays at the major league level.

While Tampa Bay has struggled to raise itself from the cellar since joining major league play a decade ago, it has remained consistent in its mission of building through its minor league system. Lately, the Rays' farm system has become stocked with a bumper crop of talent that would seem capable of helping the parent club grow into a postseason threat before too long.

There are some parallels between the Rays and the pre-1990s Atlanta Braves, who took their lumps for so long before building around young pitchers like Tom Glavine, Steve Avery and John Smoltz. With pitchers like David Price, Tampa Bay's top draft choice in 2007, waiting in the wings, it's not inconceivable that the Rays could one day build a comparable rotation.

That's where Moloney comes in. Last season, he worked wonders with a pair of impressive talents in Heath Rollins and Jeremy Hellickson. Rollins set Tampa Bay's organizational record with 17 wins in helping the Catfish claim the South Atlantic League title, while Hellickson went 13-3. Both pitchers posted an earned run average well under 3.00.

Rollins and Hellickson moved up the minor league ladder, but Moloney likes the prospects he'll guide this season. The group includes lefty Glenn Gibson, ranked the Rays' 11th-best prospect, and right-hander Alex Cobb, ranked 14th.

‘‘It's a lot of fun for me because it makes me look like a genius,'' Moloney said of the talent on hand. ‘‘Last year's staff was outstanding and I'm anticipating this year's staff can be just as good. Obviously, I've heard some comments down at spring training that this is the deepest. It's a testament to the organization how they're going out and getting these good arms.
‘‘It makes my job easier. It makes me look like a smart guy.''

The Catfish open the season Thursday night at 7 against Savannah.

Moloney, who played in the Boston Red Sox minor league system for six years before an injury led to his release in 1984, said the Rays will demonstrate major improvement over the next few seasons because of the competitive climate in the minor league system.

‘‘The premium is on pitching since it's so hard to come by,’’ Moloney said. ‘‘Everyone is getting an opportunity to show what they can do. Years ago, it was kind of like if you weren't a high draft pick you'd get thrown to the back of the bus, so to speak, until you got your chance. Now these kids are coming out of college on the map.

‘‘Now, the whole mood around the organization is, hey, we have something working here. There's no telling what can happen. With all this young talent pushing them, it can light a fire under some guys. Obviously, it gives these kids the sense that there's light at the end of the tunnel.''